Author: Chief Reporter

OUTRAGE in Chelmsford after parking space for BLACK PEOPLE is launched

There has been an angry reaction in Chelmsford, Essex after a parking space has been exclusively reserved for the use of black motorists.  According to the Chelmsford Parking Consortium, the space is an attempt to apologise for the recent Windrush immigration scandal. Anton Facknadger-Clonge of the CPC added, ‘We want to send a clear message that discrimination is no longer acceptable in Britain.’ ’Some of the horror stories about Windrush immigrants and the Home Office have been heartbreaking, and this is why we are keen to extend this trial in the near future.’ A local government spokesperson confirmed that...

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Irish referendum result means nation can abort Mrs Brown’s Boys

In a historic moment for the Republic of Ireland, a clear majority of the population have voted to abort the TV show Mrs Brown’s Boys.  Sources have indicated that the main reason for the landslide victory is that many feel that the word ‘feck’ should have been retired in 1995 as a mark of respect to Father Ted – a show that was actually funny. One said, ‘But I love Mrs Brown’s Boys.’ ’Oh look – they have a camera filming the man with a camera. The fourth wall is broken. Tremendous.’ ’The lead character seems to think he...

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BREXIT: British government close to signing historic Customs Union Nominal Transition arrangement

A spokesperson within Downing Street has confirmed that a Brexit deal is moving closer with the news that a preliminary Customs Union Nominal Transition arrangement has been agreed in principal between the British government and their Brussels counterparts.  The deal will allow EU citizens to use special ‘express immigration lanes’ when arriving in the United Kingdom, and the remaining 27 EU nations have promised to return this courtesy by the end of 2060. Goods that arrive at the UK border will benefit from an expedited electronic clearance process, and French President Emmanuel Macron has assured Theresa May that his...

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Disaster for Daily Mail as nobody responds to GDPR opt-in email

A representative of the Daily Mail has confirmed that precisely zero mailing list subscribers have replied to the newspaper’s GDPR opt-in Email.  According to a source, this is mainly due to their current database of 25 million subscribers suddenly realising that the outlet is full of shit. He added, ‘With the deadline drawing nearer, the bosses have been forced to start offering anyone who re-confirms a Royal Doulton tea service depicting Prince Philip calling a little Tongan boy ‘oogaboogaboo.’ ’Perhaps indirectly calling for the public execution of any public figure who dares speak out against Brexit was a bit...

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Southend United qualify for 2018/19 CHAMPIONS LEAGUE after admin error

The South Essex Football League side Southend United will be playing in the 2018/2019 UEFA Champions League after the European footballing body made a ‘catastrophic admin error’ that will see Tottenham Hotspur miss out on a place. A spokesperson for UEFA has confirmed that they are now legally obliged to offer The Shrimpers a place in the group stages that begin in September. A source said, ‘In the week leading up to the Champions League final, it is customary for invitations to be sent out to every team who has qualified for the following season’s competition, with two invites...

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