Author: Chief Reporter

BREAKING: Theresa May’s spine resigns

The Prime Minister Theresa May has been rocket by yet another resignation today after her spine announced its departure this morning. It is the latest high-profile resignation following the Cabinet quittings of Boris Johnson and David Davis. A Downing Street source said, ‘This has been on the cards for a while.’ ‘As soon as it became clear that she was unwilling to listen to the millions of people who voted for Brexit to happen as cleanly as possible, whilst simultaneously ignoring the millions of others who now think that the whole thing is a pile of w*nk, each and...

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‘We’re not racist f*ckwits’ say Free Tommy protestors attacking bus driven by Muslim

A group of Free Tommy protestors who attacked a bus being driven by a Muslim woman have insisted that they are not racist f*ckwits.  This group included activist Lad Laddington, and he said, ‘That was a hijab?’ ’I thought it was some sort of surgical headscarf that is worn after jaw realignment surgery.’ ‘Anyway it’s wrong to say that we are all racist. I’m a big fan of that woman who won Bake Off a few years ago.’ ’She’s pretty fit actually. Brain and penis confused...

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Why are Facebook Buy and Sell groups full of f*cking morons?

If you have ever spent more than ten seconds on any Buy and Sell group on Facebook, you would have already realised that they are some sort of mythical and magical place where English goes to die. They form some sort of end of days where ‘there’ pretty much works for all three cases, and some of the conversations are more entertaining than Corrie – but what are these people actually talking about? Here’s a quick guide. ‘From a smoke and pet-free home’ – Should you have the misfortune to buy this item, you will soon realise that their beloved...

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Queen wondering why the hell she is having tea with David Dickinson

A Windsor Castle source has confirmed that The Queen was left ‘confused’ on Friday about why David Dickinson had been invited for tea.  One of her aides said, ‘Her Majesty met her special guest, and then while she was walking along she said to me, ‘What on Earth is he doing here?’ ’Am I going to be asked to turn £200 into a monkey or something?’ ’Everyone will take me for a ride when they see my face on the dough.’ ’The lady who came with him was pretty weird as well.’ ’Her Majesty said, ‘Hello. Elizabeth Windsor. It’s...

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Trump abruptly leaves UK after seeing footage of three pensioners screaming ‘Stop Trump’ in a Cornwall field

The President of the United States Donald Trump has abruptly cut his visit to the United Kingdom short after he watched footage of three pensioners screaming ‘Stop Trump’ from a field in Cornwall. TV crews swarmed all over the sleepy village of Forthenporth today after Marjorie Frollop, Doris Boris-Morris and Bert Quark held their own rally against the controversial leader of the Free World. A source close to Trump said, ‘We were travelling in the motorcade across London, when all of a sudden the President noticed a segment on the TV news about the demonstration in Forthenporth.’ ‘At this...

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