Author: Chief Reporter

Stop throwing blankets over your toddler’s pushchair when it’s 30 degrees. He isn’t a parrot at bedtime.

Why is it that every heatwave leads to parents who genuinely think it is safe to throw a blanket over their toddler’s pushchair? You’re not trying to get a parrot to sleep in there – you have a small human who is at risk of being broiled because you fail to understand the basic principles of science. Ever heard of The Greenhouse Effect? It has nothing to do with growing strawberries. Have a butchers at your oven. See how it isn’t wide open on both sides? Take all the time you need. To make matters worse, these are often...

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NHS to fit ambulances with taxi meters for people who call 999 for something stupid

A spokesperson for the NHS has confirmed that all ambulances in the United Kingdom are going to be fitted with taxi meters to try and fight against the number of people who call 999 for a completely stupid reason. According to a statement, members of the public who want a lift to their local Accident and Emergency Department because their willy hurts a bit or they have ‘a bit of a tickle’ will be subject to standard Hackney Carriage rates with a small surcharge to cover the fact that some poor sod having a stroke on the other side...

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Waitrose recalls coleslaw as deadly bacteria found that isn’t organic

The supermarket Waitrose has been forced to recall thousands of pots of their own brand coleslaw as some samples were found containing deadly listeria bacteria that wasn’t organic and fairtrade.  A source said, ‘We were shocked when we were told that listeria had been found in some of the containers, but then we were utterly flabbergasted to learn that the bacteria had been produced using artificial ingredients in an environment where microbes were working for less than 45p per hour.’ ’If humans come into contact with the product, a severe case of unethical food poisoning could develop, resulting in...

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Mum to spend whole six weeks of Summer Holidays on Facebook asking other mums if anything is on

A mother of three from Southend On Sea in Essex has confirmed that she will be spending the entire six weeks of the Summer Holidays on Facebook asking other local mums in mum groups if there is anything on. Michelle Garridge told our Chief Reporter that if she gets bored with that, she will then resort to moaning about everything being really busy at a time when every child in the entire United Kingdom isn’t at school. She added, ‘I reckon I can stretch this out to six weeks, easy.’ ‘My eldest two are addicted to Fortnite anyway, and...

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BREAKING: Prince Philip just having a nap

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace has confirmed that Prince Philip was just having a nap. He said, ‘There have been some rumours circulating that the Duke of Edinburgh had passed away – these are simply not true.’ ‘A royal aide walked into the main lounge just after 9.30 this morning, and he noticed that His Royal Highness wasn’t moving while Jeremy Kyle was on.’ ‘He moved closer to assess the situation, and while he was tickling him behind the ears he just let out a huge snort and screamed ‘panties.’ ‘The beach volleyball on Eurosport went to extra time...

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