The British Council of Archaeology has confirmed that today’s discovery of an ancient book in Essex is one of the most significant finds of the Century. The site of the find in Southend has now been taped off while further investigations are carried out. 

Charles Rogers was woken up in his Fairfax Drive home earlier this morning by a loud noise downstairs, and he found the as yet unidentified yellow book of texts and illustrations resting on his doormat. 

Geoffrey Saxon-King is a professor of archaeology at the University of Essex, and he admitted to Southend News Network that he has ‘never been more excited about a find.’

He added: ‘All that we know so far is that the scriptures are embedded on incredibly thin paper, and they seem to be describing a number of different trades from a period of history that we are yet to establish.’

‘We have found similar scriptures in the past that have been a lot thicker in nature. Classified folklore suggests that their size and thickness could be used by early man to take them to the same height as a potential mate.’

‘The earliest versions were also ideal for bludgeoning a man to death. The book we have discovered today would probably be from a later time period when man hunted small insects for prey.’

‘We have heard another tale about this ancient scripture being used to find another ancient scripture detailing how to catch water-based animals for food, but this has never been confirmed officially.’

In a late development, local marketing expert James Googlage has contacted Southend News Network to say that he believes that book is merely a collection of local businesses and tradespeople with their contact details arranged in alphabetical order. 

However, he did concede that his idea may seem a little silly.