A nightclub bouncer from Southend was forced to start a fight with a tree due to his nightclub being quiet earlier this evening. 

Barry Stoosh, 46, who is head of security at the popular nightspot Pancreas, told Southend News Network that Friday evening was ‘dead as a dodo,’ and that a complete lack of punters had forced him to start a fight with a tree outside the club instead.

Mr Stoosh added: ‘It got to about half ten and I couldn’t take it anymore.’

’It was quieter than I had ever known, and I could feel a rage burning inside of me that was hotter than a thousand suns.’

’I did stop one person and said ‘You’re not coming in mate,’ and he said, ‘I know I’m not, it’s a f*cking shithole, I’m going to the kebab shop three doors down.’

’Suddenly I noticed a tree a few yards away that looked like it wanted to get a bit tasty, and I asked this young sapling what his f*cking problem was.’

’The mardy prick just blanked me, so I banged him out.’

’I only used reasonable force in self-defence at all times, but that three-foot high tree held up with a cane and string could have f*cked me up proper.’

It’s been a difficult week for the South Essex club scene after it emerged on Wednesday that 24-year-old insurance saleswoman Jessica Feltcher had been stuck to the floor of Inebria in Southend for eleven days.

The club’s owner, whose Facebook page describes the venue as, ‘A place where you can drink yourself into oblivion while our photographer wanders around getting photos for our social media of everyone with stupid duck faces,’ was unavailable for comment.