The United Kingdom’s entry Lucie Jones has sensationally won the Eurovision Song Contest this evening in Kiev.
Although the song had originally finished the evening in 17th place, a judges enquiry was launched shortly after the final votes had been tallied with an allegation that the people of Europe didn’t know what they were voting for.
An urgent recount was then called, and after the fifteenth repeat the United Kingdom were declared winners of the contest just to shut the BBC delegation up.
The decision means that the United Kingdom will need to stump up the £350 million that it will cost to host next year’s show.
The head of the British Eurovision Delegration Timothy Pharone said: ‘My main argument was that viewers all over the continent were not aware of the consequences of giving the United Kingdom nul points.’
‘The judges didn’t want to listen to me at first, but then I put a team of ordinary members of the public together and threaten a multi-gajillion pound legal case if we didn’t get our own way.’
‘Many of the juries across Europe were headed-up by people over the age of 60, and they are hell bent on destroying our musical heritage and future prospects for the sake of winning a petty argument.’
‘In future, it is vital that a Eurovision vote is given to everyone under the age of 18 so that the youth can have their say about something so important.’
BBC host Graham Norton admitted that he was ‘astonished’ at what he had witnessed in the Green Room area.
He added: ‘Ooh.’