A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the quote for repairs to Buckingham Palace has increased to £900m after an electrician arrived on site and noticed that the building was ‘far worse than what Prince Phillip had described on the blower last week’ – he also confirmed that the entire amount would still be funded by the taxpayer.
Estate manager Sir Henry Rogue said: ‘The original quote for £369m was based upon a brief phone call between Prince Philip and Parky The Sparky – the trader who had the most attractive advert in the local Yellow Pages.’
‘The Duke of Edinburgh did his best to describe the wiring in every room over the phone, but when Head Electrician Roger Parkinson arrived he started sucking air through his teeth the moment that he walked through the front gates.’
He added: ‘As soon as Mr Parkinson took a look at the first socket, he noticed that the silver 3-pin socket covers were, in his own words, ‘an accident waiting to happen.’ He told our staff that he could always leave them alone if they didn’t mind Her Majesty ‘being blown to Balmoral House the next time she plugs in her curling tongs,’ and so it was decided that the 7,864 identical plug sockets would need to be changed.’
‘A few minutes later, he noticed that the entire palace and all of the outbuildings were on a single-phase circuit, all attached to a single fuse box that hasn’t been changed since the palace opened in 1703 – the original fuse covers were still in place.’
‘He informed us that it would be an extra £250m just to bring the whole palace up to standard.’
‘The kitchens and bathrooms were also problematic as the Duke of Edinburgh had failed to mention that the majority of the existing GU10 bulbs had blown. Because of the brickwork and plastering used within the palace, Mr Parkinson told us that it wouldn’t simply be a case of ‘popping over to Screwfix for 500 boxes of them’ – the necessary resin-cased bulbs are only manufactured in a Vietnamese monastery and cost around £400 each.’
‘It took him around 20 minutes to put a complete quote together, and as he was leaning on a wall to write down some measurements he tapped the brickwork and said that he was concerned about the tone of the joists. He tapped a few more places and called his friend in the masonry trade to let him listen to the sound.’
‘A few minutes later he called back to say that the entire palace was in danger of collapse unless all of the interior walls were treated with a specially-created compound of Polyfilla, fibreglass insulation material and Pritt Stick – all of this led to an overall quote of just over £900m.’
We asked Sir Henry if he had tried looking around for some other quotes before proceeding with the inflated price, and he insisted that the palace management had made the right choice.
He said: ‘We got in touch with a number of other tradespeople from a few Central London buying and selling Facebook groups, but we were shocked at some of the spelling and grammar on display. We do not want to be ripped off by some bunch of cowboys, especially as the entire renovation is being funded with public money.’