Human rights groups have reacted with anger at the news that certain groups of people who live in Leigh could be forced to wear wristbands. The main target for the decision is said to be those who have been in the area for more than 15 years and may therefore be feeling marginalised and confused by the gentrification and ‘quinoa revolution’ that has been experienced in the town.

Leviathan Montrose-Nash, manager and owner of the popular Le Pamplemousse Confondu restaurant and deli on The Broadway, originally proposed the scheme to the local council. He explained: ‘We have to remember that while being able to recite the 164 different species of bulgar wheat may come as second nature to most local residents, there are those who are genuinely dazzled by everything that is on offer in the town. Some people remember a time when this whole place wasn’t effectively up its own backside, and we are reaching out to them with these wristbands.’ Mr Montrose-Nash also featured in our recent story about the worrying rise of knife crime in Leigh On Sea.

He continued: ‘This special red wristband, which will be offered to anyone who moved to Leigh before 2001, lets shopkeepers know that they need to use ‘real world’ terms during conversation. For example, ‘Les haricots aux tomates, sur deux tranches de pain’ can be explained as ‘Beans On Toast.’ More importantly, people can spot these guys in Waitrose and offer a helping hand if they look confused.’

However, there is also a fear that the few remaining ‘normal’ shops in the area will use the wristbands to charge non-wearers some sort of ‘We Saw You Coming’ tax. Southend News Network has already received unconfirmed reports of a local greengrocer charging certain people £19.99 per kilo for bananas, simply referring them as ‘Yellow Concave Bahama Berries.’