David Cameron has announced this morning that Britain will remain in the EU after Thursday’s referendum, even if the British people vote in favour of leaving.

According to the Prime Minister, his position in charge of the country means that he can pretty much do whatever he wants anyway, no matter how much Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Michael Grove try and say otherwise.

Speaking to a group of confused and disinterested shoppers at an ASDA store in Southend, Mr Cameron said: ‘When I was elected Prime Minister without the need for a coalition in 2015, I was put in charge of the United Kingdom and given the power to run the country however I see fit – otherwise there wouldn’t be much point in having a Prime Minister.’

‘If you are the manager of a shop, you run the shop and make the big decisions.’

‘If you are a milk man or milk woman, you are in charge of your milk float and all of the milk that it carries.’

‘If you are elected as the head of an entire nation, you have the final say in its affairs.’

‘This is why I’ll just ignore the referendum if things don’t go our way.’

He added: ‘On the other hand, if Britain votes to remain inside the EU I will hail it as a fantastic victory for democracy where I have listened to the wishes of the whole country and acted accordingly. We’re all in it together, you know.’

UPDATE: Two million referendum ballot papers have been discovered in a skip.