A joint statement from the FA and the SFA has confirmed that players on the England and Scotland football teams will all be wearing Stars and Stripes armbands for their vital World Cup qualifier on Friday evening in memory of the United States. 

England manager Gareth Southgate said: ‘It is only right that we should commemorate the monumental clusterf*cking of the USA in this manner.’

‘We have invited 500 US citizens who are living in the United Kingdom to the game as our guests, and although this will make the minute’s silence quite difficult we will come up with something just as poignant.’

SFA chairman Jock King said: ‘We are delighted to be able to commemorate whatever the FA are telling us we should commemorate in this manner.’

‘They even let us use the posh toilet at Wembley during our meeting last week. What an honour.’

FIFA secretary Jerome Envelope said: ‘As far as we are aware, the flag of the USA isn’t a political or religious symbol, and therefore we will have no issues with the England and Scotland teams wearing it on their kits.’

‘We may issue Scotland with a points deduction but it probably won’t make any difference anyway.’