A spokesperson for the Football Association has confirmed that the British government has withdrawn the England football team from the 2018 World Cup in Russia. 

He said, ‘It’s nothing to do with potential Kremlin poisoning operations on British soil.’

’We just figured out that we will probably get knocked out in the group stages and won’t be able to blame Wayne Rooney this time.’

’Our lawyers have been trying to see if we could just send Manchester City instead, but this is now looking unlikely.’

Sources within FIFA have confirmed that England’s place in the group stages will be given to Islamic State.

One FIFA insider said, ‘The ISIS team are still upset about their disqualification from the qualifying play-off for trying to field a goat at centre back.’

’This should hopefully smooth things over.’