A police spokesperson has confirmed this afternoon that detectives have launched an investigation into allegations of HISTORIC APOSTROPHE ABUSE in Essex that date back to 1967. According to a brief statement that was issued, Operation Plural will involve a team of 15 detectives and forensic investigators, and at the present time there are more than 600 separate cases that are being looked into – it is thought that around 40% of these allegations involve the use of Facebook since 2007.
The identity of any potential victims must remain protected for legal reasons, and so when two alleged victims approached Southend News Network to give their side of the story we only offered an interview on this basis. ‘Mary’ told our Chief Reporter: ‘From 1973 until 1978, I was used on an ice cream van menu that must have been seen by a total of more than half a million visitors to Southend Seafront. One day I was part of ‘Ice Cream’s’, and the next day I was subjected to shocking levels of abuse as part of ‘lolly’s.’ Every day the operator thought of a new way to butcher the English language, and during the summer of 1976 there wasn’t a single plural on the van that didn’t have me clumsily inserted in it. I hope that by coming forward now I will get some justice.’
‘Mark’ currently sits on the keyboard of a Samsung Galaxy smartphone in Southchurch, and he claims that he has been abused on an inhuman level since his phone’s owner joined Facebook in 2014. He said: ‘From the day that she downloaded the app, my life has been a living hell. She posts pointless updates at least ten times a day, and whenever a plural is involved I get painfully wedged between the end of the noun and the ‘s’ – I have never been used to indicate possession and it is killing me inside. Last week, she asked if any other ‘mummy’s’ were thinking about going to Adventure Island, and I seriously considered throwing myself off the end of Southend Pier.’
Since the announcement was made about the launch of Operation Plural, more than 100 additional potential victims have come forward. Police are asking any more victims to refrain from talking to the press to avoid creating some sort of ‘grammar witch hunt.’