A senior NHS official has told Southend News Network that Essex has become the unplanned pregnancy capital of the UK, with researchers blaming ‘worrying’ numbers of Essex men buying extra-large condoms for show that don’t fit properly. 

Professor Phil Lacticus has recently completed a six-month study at the University of East Essex, and his team’s findings show that too many Essex men are purchasing extra-large condoms just to show off to potential mates – he aims to increase awareness about the dangerous of fluids escaping when the condoms are not ‘airtight.’

He said: ‘Statistics show Essex has more unplanned pregnancies per head than any other area of the UK, and the NHS commissioned me and my team to try and find out why.’

‘We started out by surveying 1000 men about their condom buying habits, and 723 of them said that they always purchase extra-large condoms where the size description is clearly visible on the packaging.’

‘We then measured every respondent who fell into this category, and we found that 721 of them were exaggerating the size of their manhood. The dangers of this are obvious.’

We asked Professor Lacticus to explain more about the risks that are involved. 

He said: ‘A condom is only effective if it fits tightly around the penis. An extra-large condom only provides an effective seal if it is used on an extra-large penis, and as we all know there aren’t too many of those around.’

‘If you aren’t being entirely truthful about your endowment, you may as well be using a Mars Bar wrapper down there.’

We spoke to one man who took part in the survey – he wanted to remain anonymous. He told Southend News Network that he owns more than 500 boxes of Durex Windsock Plus. 

He added: ‘I buy three of four boxes per week just because the pharmacy girl in Tesco is cute. She rolls her eyes every time I go in there, but according to my mate that means that she is up for it.’