A spokesperson for the European Commission For Health has confirmed that ice cream vans in all EU member states will be forced to replace their chimes with a RECORDED DIABETES WARNING in January 2019.
Jerome Fuqual of the ECFH told Southend News Network that the new law would reduce levels of childhood obesity by 34% over the next five years.
He added: ‘We are taking this drastic action after monitoring the success of cigarette manufacturers printing health warnings on cartons.’
‘Our research showed that 86% of ice cream van customers in Europe are under 12 years old, and in turn 64% of this group described their purchases as ‘impulsive.’
‘This means that they only purchased sugary treats because they heard the music and left their homes.’
‘Therefore, this sweet music is actually leading impressionable young children to harm.’
‘It’s like the local paedophile waving a bag of Haribo out of his car window.’
‘We analysed the chord patterns in ‘O Sole Mio’ and ‘How Much Is That Doggy In The Window.’
‘Subliminally, they are both encouraging children to consume to excess.’
We asked Mr Fuqual for more information about the recorded message.
He said: ‘It will be very similar to the ‘Protect and Survive’ recordings made by the BBC in the 1980’s that informed the public about what to do in the event of a nuclear strike.’
‘Children will be given a frank and honest message about how the occasional iced treat can develop into a life-threatening illness over time.’
‘There are other hidden dangers that will be communicated as well through the recorded messages – such as the choking hazard presented by a Flake.’
‘Just a few weeks ago, a girl from Southend in Essex had to spend three days in hospital after trying to deep throat a 99.’