In a press conference in San Francisco today, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that the social network will shortly be announcing new measure to clamp down on the ‘millions’ of gullible f*ckwits who have an account.
According to an earlier press release, the decision had been taken after a number of complaints had been received from ‘harmless, well-meaning’ fake news sites that have been set up to merely entertain people, as opposed to trying to subvert the entire course of humanity by telling everyone that Mr Tumble has been suspended from the BBC over a failed CRB check – in spite of the fact that it has been known as a DBS for a good few years now.
Wearing his trademark grey gerbil-hair t-shirt, Zuckerberg said: ‘Gullible f*ckwits have been on our danger radar for a while now, and we now have research showing that their actions on Facebook led to Donald Trump winning the US presidency, the United Kingdom voting to leave the European Union, Bambi’s mum copping it, Leicester winning the league and my wife burning the toast this morning.’
‘Therefore, from now on pages such as Southend News Network, Rochdale Herald, Suffolk Gazette and Rayleigh Express will have a special button next to the comments that appear on their posts.’
‘As soon as they click the symbol that looks like a clenched fist making an ‘up and down’ motion, a member of our Community Gullibility Reduction Taskforce will assess the case and decide whether or not the user needs to be slapped around the face with a wet haddock for their own protection.’
‘If we also find that they are ending every comment and post with their full name and ‘tagging’ people by just typing their name and hoping that they see it, they will have their accounts suspended for their own protection.’
‘We will also check to see if they are wishing people a happy birthday by just writing ‘Happy Birthday’ on their own wall.