The England manager Gareth Southgate has surprised millions of football fans today by announcing an all-female squad for the 2018 World Cup in Russia. 

When asked for an explanation by journalists, Southgate replied, ‘It’s simple really. I want my squad to have the best possible chance of winning, instead of a bunch of self-obsessed crybabies who will make a million each in endorsements even if we get knocked out after the group stage.’

’Did you watch the last Women’s World Cup? We actually looked half-decent.’

’Also, gender equality runs at the heart of the Football Association. That and merchandising rights.’

Ashley Young tweeted: ‘THRILLED to be going to Russia!’