A spokesperson for Michael Gove has confirmed that the Conservative politician has been forced to withdraw from Boris Johnson’s leadership bid and potential BREXIT government for ‘health reasons.’ However, according to a source within Conservative Party HQ, Gove is currently recovering after Johnson’s behaviour at the Vote Leave victory party ‘spiralled out of control,’ with the ex-Mayor of London accidentally spilling liquid all over Gove’s back before proceeding to feed him nachos at 12:32am – a full 32 minutes after the safe cut-off point.
A witness said: ‘After their unexpected victory in the EU referendum, spirits were high and things were getting pretty out of hand at the Vote Leave celebration. Although everyone knows about keeping Michael out of direct sunlight, Boris was just running around the room with a jug of Red Bull and a full-size catering tray of Mexican snacks – it was just an accident waiting to happen. It was already past midnight going into Saturday morning, and Boris managed to get the liquid all over Michael’s back before he got down on the floor with him and started lovingly putting nachos in his mouth. All of a sudden, around 20 mini-Gove’s shot out of his back and the room was utter chaos. Everyone wishes Michael a speedy recovery.’
A close friend of Mr Gove added: ‘This is the second time that it has happened in the last 18 months – last time we managed to get all of the offspring to form Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet, but things are a lot more serious now. We are trying our best to control the situation, and contact has been made with the Chinese bric-a-brac store where we originally purchased Michael to try and get some advice from his last handler.’
He added: ‘I visited Michael in hospital yesterday and it was a very distressing sight. The reaction was still going on due to the sheer volume of liquid that ended up on him, and there were stomach-churning, odious and self-obsessed little creatures with pointy ears running around all over the place. If I am being honest, it was like a scene from that 80’s US movie series – you know Short Circuit.’