Officials from Southend Council and North Kent Council have appealed for calm this morning after a creature suspected to be the Loch Ness Monster was spotted DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to the wreck of the SS Montgomery in the River Thames between Essex and Kent – there is still reported to be a ‘catastrophically large’ amount of unexploded material on board the sunken vessel that went down during the Second World War. According to marine wildlife experts, ‘Nessie’ has progressed towards the Thames estuary after it was spotted multiple times recently further along the river in London, and it is believed that the hormonal beast may have mistaken the wreck of the SS Montgomery for a potential mate. Unfortunately, there are growing concerns over the stability of both the wreck’s structure and the live explosives that are on board, and a number of government agencies are currently preparing emergency plans just in case the monster decides to mount the wreck and trigger a chain reaction that could destroy large areas of Essex and Kent.

Our Chief Reporter was able to breach the current ‘no go’ area around the wreck and get this EXCLUSIVE PHOTO, and the image was shown to Dr Herschmann Spütala of the University of Munich – he is one of the planet’s leading authorities in both the Loch Ness Monster and the Sea Beast of Potton Island. He said: ‘This is always going to be a potential problem when a creature becomes the last surviving example of a species and it comes to mating season. With no suitable mates up in Loch Ness in Scotland, Nessie is now swimming around the United Kingdom trying desperately to find a mate, and now he or she has truly hit the jackpot as far as it is concerned. There really is no cause for concern however, as Nessie will probably realise that something isn’t quite right when the explosives go off, and at this point the monster will realise that this isn’t really a regular mating ritual and it will move off to another location and carry on the hunt. Those wind turbines out at sea will probably be next as they look like Kelly Brook to a pisshead as far as large mystical sea creatures are concerned.’

Members of the public have been encouraged to remain calm by local government officials in Essex, and a statement said: ‘We have a team of geological experts who are monitoring the situation closely at the moment, and they have predicted that if the SS Montgomery’s explosive mechanisms were to be triggered, there is a 72% chance that this would happen when the tide is out as far as Essex is concerned. Therefore, any thermal hydrological blast currents would be immediately drawn towards the Kent side of the Thames, and any damage to South Essex would be kept to an absolute minimum. However, even if the tide was facing the other way, recent flood defence and drainage improvements to Southend seafront would mean that a significant proportion of the blast would be absorbed by the area between The Kursaal and The Pier, and we are confident that we could get this important tourism area fully up and running again by 2031.’