There is currently a full-scale evacuation in progress at West Ham United’s London Stadium. 

Although no suspicious packages have been found, a 25-foot hole has been uncovered in the Hammers’ penalty area. 

West Ham’s Top Boy Smudge ‘Smudger’ Smudgington said: ‘It all went a bit pear-shaped when the fifth goal went in.’

‘At least I think it was a goal. It’s a bit hard to see from my seat 13 miles away from the touch line.’

Shortly after full time, a spokesperson for West Ham confirmed that Andy Carroll will be out for nine months after fracturing his ankle while heading in a consolation goal for the home team. 

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