Southend borough road chiefs have said that they are confident that disruption will be kept to a minimum for the next 18 WEEKS while a major access route to the A127 is closed to some extent. 

According to National Grid Gas plans, the extended period of works on The Fairway will allow the town’s gas to be a bit gassier, or some bollocks to that effect. 

Southend Traffic Partnership Consortium boss Percy Sladge said: ‘We have looked at the Rochford District blueprint for causing utter fucking chaos with road closures and temporary lights – it has been a valuable insight.’

‘While The Fairway is an important access route to the A127 that is used by millions of motorists every week, we have concluded that there will be no issues whatsoever sending them all down Bellhouse Lane.’

‘It is a well-known scientific fact that no disruption is ever caused by putting extra pressure on a minuscule road junction – everyone saying otherwise is just scaremongering.’

‘Furthermore, this will be a useful test exercise before we then dig the entire borough up to lay fibre optic cable for the new broadband network.’

‘Remember to visit the Seafront Lagoon as well. Bring money.’