A spokesperson for the Office of National Statistics has confirmed that millions of Brexiteers have ended this hot Bank Holiday Monday darker than the people that they want to send home. 

He told a press conference that ironically, the objects of their outbursts aren’t actually inside the European Union anyway.

Michael Smoodge has spent the day slathering himself in Crisp ‘n’ Dry at a pub on Southend Seafront while his Staffordshire Terrier or whatever drinks from a rusty hubcap.

He said, ‘I guess I should go back to my own country now.’

’From the look of my reflection, that’s probably fucking Mercury.’