Southend motorists who are already up in arms about the CCTV surveillance vehicle(s) in the borough have reacted with utter despair and anger at the news that the world’s first Parking Enforcement Satellite has been launched into orbit – the space vehicle will be exclusively for use within Southend On Sea.

A senior local government spokesperson sat down with a reporter from the Southend News Network to explain the latest step in the local fight against illegal, irresponsible and borderline ‘OK or maybe not’ parking. She said, ‘An opportunity to purchase a complete and ready-to-launch satellite came up during a meeting with the Russian government, and we were able to acquire the satellite and related infrastructure through a combination of weekly payments and the drilling rights to the oil-rich ground underneath Two Tree Island – this will also be the location for mission control. It is equipped with surveillance cameras that are even more powerful than those in North Korea, and it allows local parking enforcement officials to get a crystal-clear view of any road in the borough with the press of a button.’

However, our chief reporter has learned that a major flaw in the satellite has already been discovered with the revelation that it is impossible to view the number plates on vehicles from space. We put this issue to the spokesperson, and naturally she was adamant that it wouldn’t pose any problems. She added, ‘We simply need to give the details of the vehicle to one of our enforcement officials, and we are also on the verge of taking delivery of 50 CCTV parking drones from The Pentagon that will be able to quickly gather number plate details. In a separate development, we are also pleased to confirm that planning permission has now been granted for the construction of USAF Prittlewell.’

She continued, ‘If the relative angle of the satellite’s surveillance cameras to car number plates proves to be too much of an operating issue, we also have plans in place to introduce a local traffic byelaw where all motorists will be required to have a third number plate on their roof.’