Scientists from a leading university have been talking to the media today after they unveiled a list of 48 different foods that taste a F*CKLOAD better than skinny feels.
According to Dr Jerome Fuqal, nutritional lead at the University of East Westcliff, his team decided to undertake the three-month project after spotting a meme on Facebook of an impossibly pretty woman chewing on a stick of carrot while walking barefoot on a tropical beach and staring into the sunset while playing with her immaculately-groomed hair.
He said: ‘I was scrolling through Facebook one evening and one of my friends from school claimed that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’
‘I decided to call ‘bollocks’ there and then because she is a JuicePlus slimming supplement sales rep and therefore has her head inserted so far up her own arse that she is able to check herself for polyps on a regular basis.’
‘On top of this, I remember thinking to myself, ‘BACON.’
‘Why in Greek buggery would I want a six-pack and a thigh gap when I could eat bacon?’
‘Streaky bacon, smoky bacon, gammon, Frazzles … have a day off love, Christ.’
‘I then returned to work the following day and told my students to try and find other foods that taste better than skinny feels – the results were astonishing to say the least.’
‘Revels (except the orange ones), French Fries, Krispy Kremes, Quavers, Doritos, Coco Pops, anything from KFC, rump steaks, T-bone steaks, sirloin steaks … it was like my friend on Facebook was making statements with absolutely no scientific grounding whatsoever.’
‘We then found twenty test subjects with what would be considered a ‘healthy’ body fat percentage, and in 50% of these cases we observed that they were miserable pricks.’
‘We then administered a liquid solution of Mars bars and Oreos and they perked right up.’