No, no, no, no hun, there’s absolutely nothing going on whatsoever. Your street resembles something out of one of the Die Hard movies, but no, there isn’t anything going on.

Here’s a newsflash for you. There IS something going on, and you don’t know anything about it. Do you know why? Because it has precisely bugger all to do with you hun.

The problem that you are going to have is that the 400 people who inevitably comment on your post will also have absolutely no idea what is going on.

Then again, these will be the same hare-brained morons who spend their lives moaning that there are never any coppers around when you want them, and that they only appear when they are shooting past your window without doing you the courtesy of stopping to explain what they are up to.

Bloody cheek.

You could always leave your house and follow the noise to get a few pictures and videos that can go up on Facebook and Twitter.

You see, we have spoken to a number of people who work for the emergency services, and they have all agreed that the most helpful thing in the event of a major incident is for some prat with a smartphone to turn up and take a load of pictures while getting in the way of really trivial shit like saving lives.

Better still, you could even end up really helping a criminal investigation by sharing your photos on your local ‘This town is going to shit’ Facebook group, as this allows the whole judicial process to skip the first 38 steps and proceed straight to the bit where a carefully selected group of peers decide whether the defendant is guilty or not guilty.

How about just following a simple set of rules when you see a load of whizz whizz flashy flashy flying past your window.

Ambulance? Someone not feel well. Police car? Someone done something bad. Fire engine? Something on fire. Coastguard? Someone or something wet. Just Eat motorbike? Someone order kebab.

To be fair, the above rules might not be correct all of the time, but of course it doesn’t matter anyway as whatever is happening is none of your fucking business.