After a successful three-month trial at a cattery in Canewdon, the first feline PCSOs have been deployed to the streets of Southend. Local animal rights groups have welcomed the move to ensure that cats feel safe and secure on our local streets.

Fluffington Ridgeway, 7, is one of the ten officers who can now be found in the borough. ‘This is a momentous day for our town, and in my opinion it is long overdue. While some people have questioned our ability to chase criminals, I would like to point out that we are among the fastest animals on the planet – provided that the suspect has a long piece of string dangling from them, and they do not get more than 15m from the scene of the crime.’

Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that all feline PCSOs will work on a rota of 45-minute shifts, and human PCSOs will be able to provide rapid assistance in the event that a crime takes place near water, or tin foil. However, there have already been reports of suspects being able to flee the scene of a crime due to territorial issues.

An internal source has confirmed that Roger ‘Brisk Whiskers’ Nip, 4, has been suspended from his PCSO duties pending a full investigation. In the early hours of the 1st October, a male in his 20’s was able to steal a well-known coffee shop from Southend High Street – it is alleged that Nip gave up the chase after detecting that a fellow feline PCSO had urinated on a bollard adjacent to BHS.

In another shocking development, it is also rumoured that a large group of seagulls will now be staging a daily stationary mass protest on the roof of Southend Hospital due to their lack of representation in local law enforcement.

Popular on Southend News Network