A consortium of private parking enforcement companies have made an application to the High Court in London for permission to start torching offending vehicles on private property and then taking a piss on the burning ashes while laughing maniacally at the festival of unbridled pyromania that is unfolding in front of them.

A spokesperson for their official regulator Parking Reinforcement International Committee has released details of their application.

It says, ‘Now that it is no longer legal for our upstanding and law-abiding company members to clamp vehicles, we feel that there are not enough deterrents in place to stop people committing a motoring offence that is most definitely on a similar level to ploughing into a group of nuns after thirteen pints of Strongbow.’

‘Therefore, we would strongly urge the court to approve our request to put legislation in place that will allow our enforcement officers to torch vehicles and then piss on the ashes.’

‘Naturally we would also need the power to invoice offending motorists for the carnage and any damage to surrounding vehicles – especially if they happen to be inside at the time.’

According to sources within the industry, the move has been prompted after a motorist at a branch of McDonalds in Chelmsford stayed in the car park for two minutes longer than the advertised two-hour limit and more than $500bn was wiped off the company’s share value overnight as a result.

Gerry Himmler is an enforcement officer for South-East based parking enforcement firm Cuntia, and he told Southend News Network that he was ‘excited’ about the news, potentially to the point of full orgasm.

He added, ‘This industry is going downhill, and to be fair I was thinking about moving into nightclub security until this news came along.’

‘Back in the good old days, the authorities turned a blind eye to dragging someone out of their vehicle and kicking the shit out of them for using a Shell garage forecourt to change driving direction.’

‘This country’s gone to the dogs.’