With leading social media analysts now confirming that every single Facebook user is a twat to a certain degree, why not take our simple and informative quiz to find out just how much of a Facebook twat you really are?
Don’t forget to share this with all of your friends, endlessly, with meaningless fucking hashtags and everything. Twat.
1 – The LOOK WHAT SHOT OUT OF MY FOOFOO Facebook Twat
So you have pushed a tiny human life into the world through your clownhole – well done! They are SOOOOOO cute as well – like, like, like. They just smiled – awwwwww. He or she just sneezed that’s so priceless – like, like, like. You mean they just rolled over? – ok, that’s mildly interesting I guess.
Now that’s just a photo of your offspring standing there and looking vaguely to the left of the camera – so fucking what? Do you ever get the time to actually do any parenting with all of this social media gushing about what shot out of your foofoo?
Is your little darling growing up thinking that mummy or daddy has a permanent Apple logo where their nose should be?
2 – The I ABUSE HASHTAGS SO MUCH I COULD END UP IN PRISON Facebook Twat
Let’s just take a minute to explain hashtags – something that really should have just stayed on Twitter where they can be mildly useful. Hashtags allow people to post stuff that can then be seen by other people who happen to be searching for that same hashtag.
Therefore, having 142 friends and followers and then posting ‘friends only’ updates with one or more hashtags actually makes you really fucking dumb. Do you know how many people will be able to see your post after you include your attention-seeking hashtag nugget? You guessed it! 142. Do you know how many people would be able to see your post if you didn’t bother with a hashtag? Yep, you guessed it, 142.
More to the point, for all you ‘everything I post is public’ Facebook twats, do you have any idea how many people are actively searching for #omgicantbelievehowutterlyrandomiambuttakealookathowbigandbouncymymelonsare on a regular basis? Correct. Fuck all.
3 – The EVERYTHING IS SHIT, EVERYTHING IS GREAT, EVERYTHING IS SHIT AGAIN Facebook Twat
Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes things are good, and sometimes things are not – we get it.
What we really struggle to understand however is why you feel the need to pollute our news feed on an almost hourly basis about which side of the ‘swingometer of life’ you are currently teetering on.
Oh you can’t say why things are terrible but 47 people are going to PM you for more info ‘babes’? Fuck off.
4 – The I THINK TYPING SOMEONE’S NAME IS ACTUALLY TAGGING THEM SOMEHOW Facebook Twat
Even if you only have seven friends, Facebook magically finds a way to fill your news feed with hundreds of millions of posts that you can peruse at your leisure. Therefore, tagging was invented as a means of grabbing someone’s attention if something is relevant to them on a personal level.
It takes seconds to do this properly, but unfortunately just ham-fistedly bashing their name into your status update or comment just makes you come across as a howling fucking lunatic. Do you ever just stand outside your house and scream someone’s name into the night, somehow convinced that they will hear what you are saying? No.
For extra bonus points in this area, why not just type the words ‘Happy Birthday’ as a status update to leave everyone guessing who is actually celebrating on that particular day?
Science has proved that these are the people who will also send their credit card number for ‘urgent security verification’ when that email pops up, so they should really be removed from the Internet for their own safety. They probably end every Facebook post with their full name as well.
5 – The I WILL GET 400 LIKES FOR THIS PHOTO AS EVERYONE CAN SEE MY TITS Facebook Twat
Don’t get me wrong – I have no problem with taking a few moments from time to time and having a look at photos of impressive cleavage. After all, heterosexual man was genetically engineered to do so.
However, Facebook has given rise to the ladies who think that everlasting fame and fortune beckons if they post enough photos convincing people that Right Said Fred are hiding down there somehow.
Once they create a public fan page to promote their new ‘career,’ they then carry on blissfully unaware that the majority of their male followers are just using their arsenal of tangoed downshirt shots as a free spank-bank.
‘OMG I look rough as today I bet nobody will like this photo or share it or comment on it xoxoxoxoxoxo #wankyhashtag crying emoji.’ You’re hot. Really hot. Congratulations, I definitely ‘would’ so where do we go from here?
6 – The I WORK OUT AND I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU KNEW THAT I WORK OUT Facebook Twat
Just so you don’t think that I am a total sexist after number 5, this is a predominantly male issue.
To be honest, I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night panicking about which body part you are going to totally fucking destroy today, while the other body part that you totally fucking destroyed yesterday recovers.
Would you be particularly upset if I told you that I would quite like it if you totally fucking destroyed all of your body parts simultaneously and rendered yourself unable to Facebook?
While we’re at it, can I also say that I love nothing more than looking at 75 identical tupperware containers to see what you have prepped for your week’s quest of destroying various muscle groups? Fish and veggies for breakfast, lunch, dinner and those ‘inbetween meal meals’ that are apparently so fucking important as well or your right bicep might only grow by nine-hundreths of an inch today.
7 – The THIS IS WHAT I AM LISTENING TO AT THE MOMENT Facebook Twat
Sometimes I really wish that there was some sort of online directory of music where I could go and find out all of the songs that have ever been recorded by anyone anywhere. If these tunes could all be categorised by time, artist and genre that would be really good as well.
Oh wait, you’re telling me that someone has already thought of that? So why the fucking fuck do you feel the need to tell me what you are listening to at the moment while identifying why it means so much to you on a personal level?
In fact, if you could list TEN FUCKING ALBUMS OR BANDS that mean the world to you that would be even better.
There’s a reason why MSN Messenger died out a few years ago. It’s because Microsoft got pissed off with all of the morons who just cut and pasted Slipknot lyrics into their statuses. True fact.
I used to love hearing that ‘contact online’ chime with a little blue box in the corner saying ‘Sam – … and a thousand black crows peck out my heart before slowly digesting it accordingly and shitting it out again into the vacant hole where my heart used to be.’ Oh wait, sorry that was Korn.
8 – The BUY SHIT FROM MY NETWORK MARKETING BOLLOCKS Facebook Twat
Remember the days before Facebook? Every bastard peddling Avon and Betterware could be successfully dealt with by slamming your front door in their face while simultaneously screaming ‘fuck off.’ Then Facebook came along and ruined it.
Fast-forward to 2017, when every member of the human race has now become an Avon rep, and now all it takes to start your own ‘business’ is a minimal outlay and the overwhelming desire to make your contacts remove their eyeballs with a rusty teaspoon every time you scream about ‘looking for ten ladies who want to look fabulous for summer.’
What would happen if you only found nine? Would your entire business collapse into a heap under the huge financial strain of not finding that tenth ‘beaut’ who is willing to ingest whatever the fuck you shove in that uranium-like powder that definitely will not result in you shitting out half your liver on a kind of detox flush? What the hell would happen if an eleventh mug came along. I can’t even …
‘This is Elaine’s story. She lost an amazing EIGHT STONE in just six months, changed her hair colour and even her ethnic origin. You can as well because were changing lives!!!!!’
You are definitely doing that. You are changing my life to one where I get a cold sweat every time I am about to open my Facebook app just in case I see one more inspirational meme with terrible fucking grammar.
By the way don’t worry – it’s not a pyramid scheme. It’s a ‘multi-level marketing’ initiative with a tiny top layer and every layer underneath getting progressively bigger and bigger, with money flowing upwards and bullshit flowing down. But don’t worry, it’s NOT a pyramid scheme.
9 – The I’VE BEEN FOR A RUN Facebook Twat
I yearn for the days when people went for a run, and that was pretty much the end of it. Connected apps have now made it possible for everyone to get a blow-by-blow account of your run in real time, and here’s a newsflash – NOBODY FUCKING CARES.
If I wanted the sort of in-depth analysis that these auto-posting heaps of shit put out, I would just shove Eurosport on and watch the Diamond League meeting from Helsinki.
What’s that? You shaved eleven seconds off your personal best while I am sat here nursing a Sunday hangover and killing myself slowly with that ninth pack of Quavers? Let me find that nomination form for Sports Personality Of The Year …
10 – The I POST FAKE NEWS ON FACEBOOK Facebook Twat
What kind of arsehole does that, seriously?