A team of scientific researchers from the University of East Canvey has concluded that there is an inverse relationship between a driver’s ‘girth of exhaust’ and ‘girth of penis.’
For the 6-week study, fifty male motorists were located across South Essex with an exhaust pipe outlet wider than eight inches.
In 100% of all cases it was found that the vehicle’s owner did not have a penis of the same girth in spite of the impression being given.
The project was spearheaded by Dr Horacio Frank, and he told our Chief Reporter that the results were ‘incredible.’
He added: ‘Although 85% of all participants were able to achieve a full state of sexual arousal merely by hearing the back end of their car growling like something from Jurassic Park, we found that the actual girth of the appendage in question wasn’t in the same field of measurement as the exhaust.’
‘A similarly negligible effect was observed for vehicles with two or four exhaust pipes in a row.’
‘In the field, we observed a group of them on Southend Seafront on a Friday night, looking under each other’s bonnets to see whose vehicle is all nitrousy and neon-lighty.’
‘From a psychological perspective, there is however a clear trend forming where 23-year-males in South Essex are convincing themselves that they are Vin Fucking Diesel.’
‘As a side study, we managed to find a definitive link between premature ejaculation and a habit of revving a 50cc pop-pop piece of shit while stationary at traffic lights after 10pm in a built-up area.’