The Prime Minister Theresa May has offered England’s World Cup semi-final place to EU members Sweden in return for other leaders accepting her proposals for a Brexit deal.

Under FIFA rules, the Football Association would be allowed to retrospectively forfeit Saturday’s quarter-final against the Swedes by supplying evidence to prove that five or more of the players were on amphetamines during the 90 minutes.

Mrs May said, ‘It’s time to get real and face facts.’

‘We have something that the EU wants, and Nigel keeps banging on about leverage, so here it is.’

‘They get an all-EU final, and we get control of our country back by withdrawing very, very slowly until everyone in UKIP dies and we just forget about the whole thing.’