It has been confirmed this evening that the Prime Minister Theresa May has sacked her entire Brexit negotiating team in Brussels, including the Brexit Secretary David Davis, and replaced them with the studio audience from an old episode of BBC’s Question Time that was filmed in Barnsley.
In a statement, a Downing Street spokesperson said that it was time for ‘straight talking and plain language’ within the EU’s corridors of power.
He said, ‘Our first step was to review a recording of the show from September 2017, and then pick a new Brexit Secretary by singling out the audience member with the shoutiest voice and most prominent facial blood vessels.’
‘Therefore, we are delighted to announce that a 67-year-old baker called Pat is now heading up the department and reporting directly to Mrs May.’
‘We decided that Brexit really isn’t rocket science – it is just Brexit – and the sooner that Michel Barnier and his team realise this the sooner we can make progress.’
According to a source in Brussels, the new arrangement was put into place on Friday, and the first day of negotiations had been ‘productive.’
Our source added, ‘The first session was a discussion about Irish border arrangements that was chaired by Guy Verhofstadt, and after 45 seconds of introductions a retired postman removed his left moccasin, hit the desk repeatedly and just said, ‘Stop complicating things. It’s a border. Borders mean borders. We voted for a border. Tell the Irish to wait and we will tell them what border they can have. It’s simple. Brexit.’
‘At this point, his eyes looked like they were going to leap from his skull and kick the EU’s Brexit Co-Ordinator square in the frank and beans.’
‘By 3.30pm, I overheard Michel Barnier and Jean Claude-Juncker talking by the Nespresso machine in the main lobby, and I heard Michel say, ‘Bollocks to it there’s no reasoning with these people – just give them whatever they want and we will make up for it in a few years by stealing all the fish.’*
*Translated from: Bouleax à ça, on ne peut pas raisonner avec ces personnes. Il faut les donner ce qu’ils veulent car dans quelques années on pourra résoudre la situation en volant les poissons Britanniques. Totes drôle.