An inside source working on The Only Way Is Essex has made a shocking admission in an email to Southend News Network – he has admitted that the entire cast are PROFESSIONAL ACTORS. According to the production crew member, who we are not allowed to name, everyone who appears on TOWIE has to pass a comprehensive audition process, with the show ‘cherry picking’ some of the finest acting talent on offer in the world. 

After a super-mega-injunction was lifted at 5pm this evening, Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the following:

  • James ‘Arg’ Argent is portrayed by a 76-year-old classical actress called Imelda Esposito. She admits that her singing background has allowed her to really settle in to the role, but also confessed that the romantic scenes with Gemma Collins have been ‘difficult.’
  • Gemma Collins is played by a RADA graduate called Gemma Collins, but for the first series the role was taken by Geoff Prodder. Geoff divided his time between TOWIE filming and his day job selling fruit at Romford Market. 
  • Sam and Billie Faiers are both played by the same actress, with trick photography used in scenes where they appear together. Both of the roles are played by an uncredited seagull. 
  • Joey Essex is played by a four-year-old budding child actor from Hornchurch called Jamie Smidgeon, but the talented youngster admits that he has to ‘tone down’ his level of English when he is in character. 

Details of other characters are due to be released when a separate injunction is lifted in May 2019, but this shocking development is bound to make die-hard TOWIE fans wonder if their viewing time over the last few years could have been spent more profitably – examples of this include arranging tinned food cupboard items into alphabetical order and inserting both hands into a food blender.