In a shock Eurovision twist, the United Kingdom has awarded every country ‘nul points’ and threatened to have its own contest next year. 

Shortly after voting began in Lisbon, the United Kingdom was called upon to read out its scores, and Jacob Rees-Mogg appeared on the screen.

He said, ‘You all get nothing. Nothing at all. The gravy train is over. Nul points, or something witty in Latin that only tossers like me can understand.’

’Next year, we will be hosting the first ever Britishvision Song Contest where every act must include Morris Dancing and measurements in hundredweights.’

’Non-Brits will be welcome to enter, strictly on a points-based arrangement.’