A spokesperson for the Eurovision Song Contest’s International Compliance Team has confirmed that the United Kingdom has been disqualified from Saturday night’s Eurovision Song Contest in Lisbon.

According to their brief statement, the ‘incredibly difficult decision’ has been taken because of a breakdown in Brexit negotiations in Brussels.

Jerome Robsonne added, ‘Just a few days ago, David Davis informed his counterparts that he would be prepared to accept any concessions regarding the Irish border post-Brexit in return for a 100-year guarantee of a 100-point head start or handicap for the British entry.’

‘He said that the United Kingdom’s recent history of bombing wherever the United States orders them to and then telling the rest of Europe to go fuck themselves has led to some nations taking a slightly dim view towards the British entry.’

‘Junior ministers in the British government also showed us intelligence that indicated the Irish people may decide to give douze points to a country that isn’t hell-bent on returning Ireland to something out of the 1970’s for the sake of being able to use pounds and ounces.’

‘Unfortunately representatives of the EU were unable to arrange for this to happen because the Eurovision Song Contest is outside of our remit – pretty much like every other reason for backing Brexit that people mention.’

David Davies told the press that this version of events was ‘utterly ridiculous.’

He added, ‘Our removal from Eurovision is nothing to do with politics.’

‘It’s just that as a nation we find it very difficult to change key without changing back again five minutes later when it all goes tits.’