An absolute wanker who jumped up and down on a paramedic car and then broke his ankle can’t get to hospital because he was an absolute wanker who jumped up and down on a paramedic car and destroyed it.

Barry Fuch-Weet was celebrating England’s 2-0 victory over Sweden in the World Cup quarter-final and he decided that it would be an absolutely genius idea to find a paramedic car and wreck it.

According to witnesses, he said that it was ‘fine’ because ‘We are in the semis and it’s coming home yeah fucking yes my son get in Free Tommeh!’

One said, ‘After he few minutes of jumping up and down on the roof like Donkey Kong after fourteen Stellas he fell awkwardly and snapped his left ankle.’

‘At this point, the paramedic returned to his car and the guy begged him to take him to hospital, but after taking one look at the battered roof, windscreen and bonnet he said, ‘And how do you expect me to do that sunshine?’

‘I’m not Fred fucking Flintstone.’

Fortunately, Fuch-Weet was helped onto the top of a Number 195 bus that was heading to the local Accident and Emergency department, where was was able to roll off and pick up a couple of snapped ribs and a ruptured perineum as well.