Police in Southend On Sea have vowed to take action after a worrying report confirmed that the South Essex town is now officially the ESCORT CAPITAL of Britain – statistics revealed that Southend now has more escorts per capita than anywhere else in England, Scotland or Wales. 

Professor Alan Knicks is the author of the damning report, and he told Southend News Network that his research was some of the ‘most concerning’ that he had ever been involved in. 

He said: ‘I spent a Saturday evening on Southend Seafront, and within the first 10 minutes I spotted six escorts moving around. I understand that there will always be an enthusiast-led market for vehicles that are out of factory production, but most of them looked like MOT failures just at first glance.’

‘Some of the earliest models cannot be serviced anymore unless a garage can get hold of second-hand parts, but even then there is no guarantee that the vehicle will be entirely safe – it’s only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt.’

‘Motoring organisations have been advising drivers to upgrade to a Mondeo or a Focus since the last escort rolled off the production line, but that advice has clearly fallen on deaf ears.’

We spoke to one driver who wished to remain anonymous, and he told us that he spends up to three hours a day polishing the spoiler on his 1992 Escort saloon. 

He added: ‘I have been spending good money on escorts for my entire life. Other cars tend to struggle on steep descents in a lower gear, but my escort goes down without any problems whatsoever.’

‘The council thought that taking out an injunction would stop escorts gathering in and around the town centre, but if anything it has actually got worse in the last couple of months.’

‘I saw one with a furry muffler the other day. I know it isn’t road legal, but it looked amazing and made an incredibly satisfying grumbling noise when the driver gave it some gas.’