Southend News Network can exclusively reveal that your b*stard neighbour has announced an extensive summer-long programme of needless bonfires – the news comes in spite of him never having anything that actually needs to be incinerated. According to the resentful and hate-filled individual who usually objects to you dropping as much as a teaspoon on the floor after 9pm at night, he is acting well within his rights and he pays his council tax like everyone else.

He added: ‘If any of my neighbours have ever wondered what it would be like to live on top of a crematorium, they are in for a real treat between now and the end of September. All of my garden waste is dealt with in my Southend Council-issued green bin, so these bonfires are more about telling everyone in my street not to f*ck with me. The old folks home across the road needs to stop leaving their minibus parked in the street as it is blocking my view of the seafront as well – hopefully the constant burning smell will drive all of the residents mad with worry. There was some talk of the couple next door having a barbecue next week, but if so much as one molecule of smoke crosses my fence I swear to God that I will file for an ASBO.’

This isn’t the first time that your b*stard neighbour has hit the headlines for his efforts to ruin your summer. In 2013 he entered the Guinness Book Of Records for his 134-hour power drill marathon, and he is currently in negotiations with the laboratory at Kew Gardens over the development of the world’s tallest, most poisonous and noisiest species of laylandii tree.