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Ofcom To Recycle All 24,000 BGT Complaints Into Gammon Angerw*nk Tissues

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A spokesperson for Ofcom has confirmed that all of the 24,000 complaints that have been received over Diversity’s performance on Britain’s Got Talent will be recycled into ‘Angerw*nk Tissues’ and then sent to everyone who felt the need to complain.

According to the regulator, this move will be both environmentally friendly and compassionate, giving anyone who got upset the chance to five-knuckle shuffle the rage away.

Ofcom’s Jerome Robsonne added, ‘Well this has been a monumental waste of fucking time, hasn’t it?’

‘To be fair, 23,800 of the 24,000 complaints were just people head butting their keyboards while connected to our enquiries form in the vague hope that the end result would somehow convey their annoyance at high-profile celebrities calling out racism for the shitshow that it really is.’

Gary Garyson was one of those who complained, and he told us that he would be taking it all the way to the European Court of Human Rights.

He added, ‘I’m going to take this all the way to the Europe … ah bollocks.’

 

Idris Elba Cast As Nigel Farage In Movie About Brexiteer

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A source within a major Hollywood studio has confirmed that the English actor Idris Elba has been chosen to play Nigel Farage in an upcoming biographical movie about the ex-UKIP leader.

He also said that the star of The Wire and Luther has the option to remain in the role should there be any further movies in the franchise.

Although he was unwilling to confirm the name of the studio who will be involved, we have seen leaked emails to confirm that Disney will be releasing the movie in 2021.

He added: ‘Not only does Idris have an English accent, but he is also fantastic at giving speeches – he couldn’t possibly be more ‘Nigel’ if he tried!’

‘He isn’t looking forward to shaving off that iconic beard, but he looks fantastic in hunting gear and a pair of yellow Wellington boots – the Boxing Day scenes will look incredibly authentic.’

In a further shocking development, it has also been confirmed that Donald Trump has signed up to play himself in scenes where he welcomes Nigel to Trump Towers.

According to a close friend of Mr Trump, the president’ caught the acting bug’ after a cameo appearance in Home Alone 2 where he is seen giving Macauley Culkin directions at The Plaza in New York.

He is said to be ‘incredibly excited’ about working with Idris.

A Tweet said: ‘Can’t wait! I loved him in Shawshank Redemption!’

‘He’s a great actor. A very great actor. He acts, I can tell you.’

‘Some of his films are classics. Big classics, big, big classics.’

‘It’s gonna be yuge.’

Club Tropicana Drinks To Rise To £6.50 In No Deal Brexit

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It has been announced that Club Tropicana drinks will rise to £6.50 in the event of a No Deal Brexit.

According to a report from the West Hampstead Academy of Mathematics, offering alcoholic beverages for free will no longer be economically viable, even on WHO terms.

Professor Andrew Ridgeley of the academy said, ‘Our studies make pretty grim reading.’

‘Alongside this latest bombshell, we also predict that waking up will now need to be a full three hours before you go go to take increased customs queues into consideration.’

‘Last Christmas will become the penultimate Hanukkah, and whispers will become absolutely reckless.’

‘If only people had known what they were really voting for.’

Parents Celebrate As Bing Contracts Myxomatosis

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Parents all over the United Kingdom have been celebrating today after it was confirmed that Bing has contracted the usually fatal viral disease myxomatosis.

According to reports, it may have been transmitted through unspecified unprotected activity with Pando.

Speaking to reporters earlier, guardian Flop said that he ‘had it coming.’

He added, ‘It will just be something else for the little bugger to moan about at the end of every episode.’

‘Except this time there won’t be any moral or happy ending. Fatal illness. It’s a Bing thing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.’

‘To be fair, I don’t know how much longer I could have carried on for anyway. He’s three times my size for Christ’s sake.’

‘I honestly wish that melodramatic little mood hoover all the best in his future endeavours.’

‘If anyone wants me, I’ll be in the Caribbean.’

There were originally reports that other CBeebies characters had been rallying around to try and find a cure for their colleague.

However, it soon emerged that they were just throwing an impromptu party celebrating his demise.

Speaking exclusively to us at the event, Duggee added, through an interpreter, ‘This is just the tip of the iceberg. One by one, we will rid this channel of every single over-entitled prick.’

‘Topsy and Tim will be next. They’ve been five years old since the end of the last Gulf War and it’s time they were sorted on a permanent basis.’

‘Just give their mum her own show. F**k me I’d ride her into next August – Duggee and the Reverse Cowgirl Badge.’

Karens Prepare For 4th July After Only Being Able To Karen Online For Last Three Months

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Karens across the United Kingdom have been rejoicing at the news that once again they will be able to Karen again in person from 4th July.

Karening establishments are due to reopen on this day, and many Karens are ‘fed up and frustrated’ after 12 weeks of only being able to Karen on Facebook.

We spoke to Karen Karenson, and she told us that she was sick and tired of the general public not having a manager that she can speak to when they are spotted not socially distancing in public.

She said, ‘It’s great that I will be able to Karen once again, but there will be a number of guidelines that I have to follow.’

‘For instance, I won’t be able to Karen up at the bar or serving counter – I will be forced to make loud noises and screw my face into the shape of a duck’s arsehole until someone comes over.’

A spokesperson for the British Hospitality Union confirmed that thousands of premises are set to reopen with a special Karen App that Karens can use to summon management remotely, even setting up a Zoom meeting if it is appropriate.

 

Man Who Clapped For NHS To Spend 4th July Drinking Until He Pisses Out Own Pancreas In A&E

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A man who spent numerous Thursday evenings clapping for the NHS during lockdown has confirmed that he intends to spend 4th July drinking until the point where he pisses out his own pancreas in his local A&E.

According to Nigel Fuch-Weet, it’s going to be a ‘messy one,’ whatever the actual fuck that means.

He added, ‘Our NHS staff are the pride of our nation, and they should be treated as such.’

‘Therefore, I can think of no better tribute than celebrating the pubs being allowed to reopen by consuming alcohol to the point where they can forget about the pressures of Covid-19 by treating someone with the utmost professionalism and care while being subjected to some of the most vile abuse imaginable.’

‘I may even try to headbutt a senior nurse at one point when I get upset at not being able to feel my own teeth.’

Michelle Garridge told us that she would be having ‘drinkies’ with her ‘girlies’ and then incorporating a whole range of other nouns that suddenly become plural when you add the ‘-ies’ suffix.

She said, ‘The paramedics of Britain must have really missed being treated like a glorified taxi service with oxygen while spending the last three months risking their own lives and those of their families to deal with this pandemic.’

‘If I can’t throw a hissy fit when the blue lights are flashing because they won’t stop so I can get doner meat and chips, then what is the actual point of going ‘out out?’

A joint statement from Facebook and Instagram has confirmed that extra network capacity will be added for the big day due to the expected increase in people taking photos of an alcoholic beverage and then sharing it to social media like they have just discovered how to split the fucking atom or something.

Aircraft Company Launches New Service To Let Everyone Know You Have An Incredibly Tiny Penis

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An aircraft company from Lancashire has launched a new service where you can let everyone know that you have an incredibly tiny penis.

Chipolata Aviation Ltd aims to allow people the chance to compensate for those for whom it would feel like slinging a sausage down a corridor through the medium of displaying an airborne banner of such absolute fuckwittery that it would make a Britain First meeting look like an episode of University Challenge.

Dave Siyuenti is the chief executive, and he told us that he’s already had more than three hundred enquiries from people who have a large carp in their Facebook profile image.

He added, ‘For just a few hundred pounds, you can make it be known that you’re packing the sort of tackle that would make a household gnat feel like Ron Jeremy.’

‘We also have a number of premium options, including a second aircraft to follow the original message with ‘hurrrrrrrrr de durrrrrrrr durrrrrrrgh.’

‘We’ll revolutionise the industry. Until now you had to go out and buy an Audi or something.’

Fundraising Campaign To Sue Twitter For Suspending Katie Hopkins Reaches Almost £28,000

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A fundraising campaign to instigate legal proceedings against Twitter for suspending Katie Hopkins’ account has now reached £34,000 including gift aid.

According to the creator of the campaign, the plan is to ‘sue’ the social media network because it has removed the right-wing commentator’s freedom of speech.

You can view the fundraising page on JustGiving here.

The campaign reads:

WE ARE RAZEN CASH TO SOO TWITER FOR KATIS FREEDAM OF SPEETCH.

WIT THISS MONIES WILL HIER A SLISSITTA AND SOO TWITER UNTLE SHE IS REEENSTATED.

THISS IN AN ABSLUT OUTAGE!!!!

Although the standard of grammar and spelling are questionable, the message has hit home with supporters of the outspoken media personality, leading to a number of donations being made.

Farage Enters USA On Inflatable Dinghy To Bypass Travel Ban

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The leader of the Brexit Party Nigel Farage has confirmed that he entered the USA on an inflatable dinghy to avoid lockdown restrictions and the travel ban for UK nationals.

He shared an image on Twitter with the caption, ‘Just arriving on the shore now. Bit wet but so glad to make it across safely.’

It is believed that he was on his way to attending Donald Trump’s campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

He said, ‘It was easy really.’

‘I just nipped down to Southampton Docks, found a guy called Barry, bunged him a few grand and he sent me on my way.’

‘The Atlantic got a bit choppy at one point, but these are the risks you take when you’re desperate to get over there.’

Arsenal Squad Tests Positive For Being Utter Fucking Dogshit

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The entire Arsenal squad has tested positive for being utter fucking dogshit.

Shortly after the 2-1 defeat to Brighton and Hove Albion on Saturday, the swab tests were administered at the Amex Arena.

A source said that medics were not looking for any performance enhancing drugs because no human could possibly be juiced to the tits and play that badly.

There has already been an angry reaction on Arsenal Fan TV where Claude and Ty got so angry with each other that they somehow managed to jump across the screen on Zoom and Robbie had to step in.

Speaking after the match, majority shareholder Stan Kroenke said, ‘It was a rootin’ tootin’ humdinger of a hootenanny from my Finsbury Red Sox boys today.’

‘Go soccer!’