An investigation by the Daily Mail has revealed that the main cause of World War II was actually Carol Vorderman, as opposed to the complex sequence of geopolitical events that have been laid out in historical accounts since the 1939-1945 conflict took place.
According to the newspaper, the presenter, maths whiz and anti-Tory political commentator, who was born in December 1960, is now under intense pressure to apologise.
Their chief journalist Arthur Siyuenti said, ‘We can exclusively reveal that during the late 1930’s, Adolf Hitler’s top scientific team perfected a technique called telediffusional quantumonomics.’
‘This is the ability to receive TV broadcasts from a point in the future by taking a regular rooftop aerial, attaching it to a cathode ray device, putting the whole setup onto a rocket-powered truck, and then driving forwards at a speeds in excess of 1430 mph.’
’This is known as breaking the ‘Whiteley Barrier,’ which is the speed at which television broadcast signals transmogrify.’
’The final test of this technology in 1939 was known as Operation Eldorado when Hitler himself rode along for the attempt to pick up a signal from BBC One in 1992, but a miscalibration in the right phlange meant that Channel 4 was received instead.’
’All we know is that three minutes later, the dictator was heard screaming ‘How the blathering fuck am I supposed to make 355 from that?’, and we all know what happened next.’