Author: Chief Reporter

Jet almost lands in Hockley by accident after pilot distracted by Xmas lights display

Passengers on a Boeing 737 aircraft have praised the fast reactions of a pilot after their jet bound for London Southend Airport almost landed three miles short in the town of Hockley ‘by accident’ when he thought that a large Christmas lights display was the beginning of the runway. Eyewitnesses reported seeing the undercarriage of Mufthansa flight MU531 from Frankfurt to London Southend passing around 40 metres above their homes, before hearing a ‘massive thrust’ in the engines and seeing the aircraft suddenly pulling up. One passenger, who didn’t want to be named, said that she first thought that...

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EU confirms Brexit bill is now ZERO after deducting total number of allied WW2 casualties

A spokesperson for the European Union has confirmed that the United Kingdom’s Brexit ‘divorce bill’ has now been reduced to zero after the total number of allied casualties from the Second World War were taken into consideration. Jerome Robsonne of the EU’s Brexit Department said that there is now ‘irrefutable evidence’ to confirm that the two concepts are linked in every conceivable way possible. He added, ‘Jean-Claude Juncker was browsing through Facebook on Thursday evening when he noticed a meme that included a picture of a war cemetery and a caption stating that this was somehow an illustration that...

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Investigation reveals that remembrance poppy is 100% Halal-friendly

An investigation by Southend News Network has revealed that the traditional remembrance poppy that is worn by millions every November is 100% Halal-friendly. We sent five sample poppies to a laboratory in The Netherlands for testing, and the results were conclusive. Dr Deek Van Der Beek told us that all of the materials used comply with Halal standards ‘to the fullest possible extent.’ He added, ‘We carried out full forensic analysis and carbon dating on both the plastic and paper elements within the poppy, and discovered that there were no traces of products that had been slaughtered in a...

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Parliament votes to change national anthem to CHAS AND DAVE song

In an unprecedented move this evening, an emergency session of the House of Commons voted to change the United Kingdom’s national anthem from ‘God Save The Queen’ to ‘Ain’t No Pleasing You’ by Chas And Dave.  According to speeches that were made before the vote was taken, the move would be both a ‘fitting tribute’ to the recently deceased Chas Hodges and a nod to the fact that everyone who voted for Brexit won’t be pleased until the entire country is in the shitter. The end result was 641 MPs in favour, with Diane Abbott’s vote being spoiled as she...

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What sort of utter shitshow lets 50 MILLION ACCOUNTS get hacked?

Seriously, what sort of utter shitshow allows the accounts of 50 million fucking users to be compromised because of a flaw in their code? Because of Facebook’s utter twattery, there are now 50 million people around the world who have had their privacy violated. All of those bunny eared selfies. Leaked. All of those identically filled rows of Tupperware along with details of whatever body part you ‘smashed’ today. Leaked. All of those really vague threats against ‘you know who you are but I can’t say here because there are too many snakes.’ Leaked. All of those five-word statuses that...

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