PARENTS’ ANGER as CIGARETTE MACHINE is installed by accident in Westcliff primary school

Parents of the children at Salisbury Green Primary School in Cliff Avenue have reacted with anger after it emerged that a cigarette machine had been installed by...

Gammon introduced as emergency currency as VISA payments fail

A spokesperson for the Bank of England has confirmed that gammon will be acceptable as legal tender until the current VISA payments crisis is over. On Friday afternoon,...

Drugs raid on OAP home uncovers £300m of COCAINE hidden in custard creams

Sheltered housing blocks across the United Kingdom are on high alert this evening after a drugs raid at Westcliff Seaview Heights uncovered £300m worth of cocaine. Drug-dealing residents...

Those little wrapped biscuits they give out with coffee to get BIGGER after Brexit

A government spokesperson has confirmed that those little wrapped crunchy caramel biscuits that they give out with coffee are going to 'double in size' once the United...

Scrabble tournament ends in 15 ARRESTS after fracas over the use of ‘clunge’

One of the highest-rankings Scrabble tournaments in the UK was abandoned on Wednesday evening after a minor disagreement over the use of the word 'clunge' quickly escalated...

BREAKING: Theresa May agrees to ENTER COALITION after latest poll results

With just hours to go until polling day, Theresa May has announced that she is now willing to enter a COALITION after the latest opinion poll results...

Southend Town Centre to become CAR PARK-FREE by 2018

A spokesperson for the Southend Parking Alliance has confirmed that Southend will have the UK's first car park-free town centre by 2018. The SPA added that the decision...

Get a BEACH BODY in time for Summer with one simple trick

A leading scientist has revealed one simple trick that will allow anyone to get a beach body in time for summer. Dr Melanie Milfington of the University of...

Motorcyclists banned from wearing helmets over TERRORISM CONCERNS

A trial that will ban all motorcyclists from wearing helmets over terrorism and security concerns will begin on 1st October 2017 in Essex. According to a spokesperson from...

EU referendum DELAYED until 2018 over ‘voter concerns’

In a shock development this evening, the UK government has announced that the referendum to decide whether or not to stay in the European Union has been...