12 people have been hurt in a Slimming World riot after angry scenes erupted due to 54-year-old member Janet managing to lose two pounds even though she had three birthdays, a cruise, a Chinese takeaway, a tub of Celebrations and some sort of wanky gin cocktail because it was her colleague Dorothy’s last day.

According to witnesses, fellow member Suzanne was the first to ‘throw a chair’ because she had put on half a pound in spite of cooking everything in Fry Light and carefully weighing out all her ‘B’ choices on scales that are so sensitive that they wouldn’t look out of place in a Colombian marching powder factory.

One onlooker said, ‘It was absolute carnage. Shortly after Janet was celebrating her epic weight loss, everyone else started stepping onto the scales like they were tip-toeing around a sleeping tiger to see if that would somehow give them a different result.’

‘One bloke even ended up with his nob out because he was convinced that his underwear had ‘heavy cotton.’

‘When it got to the main session and everyone applauded Janet, she then added that she forgot to mention that she had accidentally forgotten to Syn her mashed bananas because mashing them up somehow turns them into a billion calories each, and this tipped everyone else over the edge.’

‘The police arrived a few minutes later, and once all of the casualties had been cleared, Janet was asked if she had done any exercise.’

‘She said that she had carefully ensured that the calories burned from any physical activity outweighed those that she had consumed, thus creating a calorie deficit that would ensure weight loss in the eyes of actual scientific science in a full range of mammals from the humble ant right up to the majestic hippo.’

‘Proper Body Magic that was. I guess we will never know what sorcery leads to this happening.’