135 people have been hurt in a stampede after a branch of Primark reopened in Essex.

Shortly after 8am, emergency services were called to the retailer’s branch in West Canewdon.

Early reports indicate that the majority of injuries involved some form of ‘agg.’

Members of staff said that it was unlike anything that they had ever experienced.

One told us, ‘Ten minutes before we opened, I had a glass of water on a table in the staff room, and it started shaking like something out of Jurassic Park.’

‘I was expecting Richard Attenborough to come past in a helicopter at one point.’

A witness who was in the queue outside told us that it reminded her of Bob Geldof and Lenny Henry turning up with a truck full of grain for a Band Aid promo video.

She said, ‘They started turning the key in the lock, and the cries of ‘facking ‘ell’ from the crowds grew louder and louder.’

‘Before I knew what was happening, someone tried to rectally violate me with a £3.99 umbrella.’

A spokesperson for Sports Direct confirmed that all branches were prepared for large-scale civil unrest, with more than one million Lonsdale rubber bullets being produced specifically for today.