A Metropolitan Police spokesperson has confirmed that 20 arrests have been made at West Ham United’s London Stadium after a raid uncovered massive financial irregularities within the club.
Det. Supt. Susan Perrin-Tendent held a press conference this evening to give more details about this morning’s raid.
She said: ‘Paperwork was uncovered showing that massive taxpayer assistance was provided to the club in order for them to move to a state-of-the-art stadium while flogging off the old ground and building gajillion-pound homes for chinless wonders to invest in.’
‘If that isn’t a massive financial irregularity then I don’t fucking know what is.’
‘Sorry little Sonny but that liver transplant will have to wait as your daddy’s hard-earned taxes have been ploughed into a pillock’s paradise where you have to watch the action through a fucking telescope while rival factions of home supporters try and knock seven shades of shit out of each other.’
‘What do they propose next? A fucking 2.5% increase in VAT so they can sign Lionel Messi? Perhaps they can finance a double swoop for Diego Costa and N’Golo Kante by making efficiencies in the NHS social care budget.’
A witness at the scene told our Chief Reporter that it was ‘incredibly difficult’ for the police to make the arrests as members of staff and directors were constantly dancing around like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins while singing ‘Any Old Iron.’
He added: ‘They were all a-ducking and a-diving until one fed-up officer just tasered the lot of them.’
In a further development, the Serious Fraud Office confirmed that a £15m payment between West Ham and Liverpool in May 2013 is under investigation after an allegation was made that the payment was for a serious fraud.