500,000 obese children have signed a petition for the TV chef and obesity activist to just fuck off – preferably to a location without Internet access that is beyond the Earth’s gravitational pull.

The campaign was started by 7-year-old Jack Harris from Rayleigh in Essex, and it has already skyrocketed to half a million signatures and an offer of transportation from Elon Musk.

Jack said, ‘This c**t wasn’t happy with taking away my bastard Turkey Twizzlers, but now he wants to stop pizza deals as well.’

’We went to eat at one of his posh swanky restaurants last week, no not the ones that closed because Brexit, the other ones.’

’Oddly enough, on that occasion he didn’t have a problem with me chucking a £24.95 Wagyu burger and quadruple-cooked fries down my cakehole. Funny that.’