A pub owner from Southend has revealed how he has managed to turn an £8.99 Sunday roast dinner into a £34.95 Fathers’ Day Special by simply giving one member of the party a single pint of whatever piss weak lager is going to go off the soonest.

John Custard owns The Frog And Frenulum on London Road, and he told Southend News Network that a similar transformation occurs on one Sunday in March with a single glass of Lidl Prosecco.

He said, ‘The main course may look identical, but you would not believe how much better it tastes by being forced to book six weeks in advance because every bastard has had the same idea.’

’NO VOUCHERS! Our margins are wafer-thin as it is today.’

’I am working on something similar for Christmas with an 8p cracker from the cash and carry – it’s like some sort of magic.’