An 8-year-old England fan from Southend has begged his parents to put him to bed after Spain took a 2-1 lead in the Nations League match this evening.

Little Jack Holmes, who also has a number bonds test at school tomorrow, has admitted that at the very least they should turn over to Strictly or he will have no option but to call Childline.

Jack said: ‘Mummy and daddy are making me sit through this absolute shower of shite.’

I knew this whole evening would be a waste of time after the turkey twizzlers were burnt, and all daddy keeps saying is that Raheem Sterling is about as much use as a chocolate teapot.’

‘I’m worried that I will be called a racialist if I say that in show and tell tomorrow.’

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