With Coronavirus leading to more and people taking the decision to work from home, a brand new problem has emerged – how is it possible to do so without having a w*nk every three minutes?

Mitchell and Webb first identified that this might be a problem many years ago, and they had a point.

Fast-ish Internet and a proliferation of sites offering uninterrupted highlights of beach volleyball mean that homeworkers are often fighting the urge to replace filling in that important spreadsheet with a crafty five-knuckle shuffle, but there are a number of precautions you can take to stop any period of homeworking ending with you having to register with the RNIB.

Combine Homeworking With Childcare

Hell hath no cockblocker like a bored crotchfuit. If the schools do end up closing and your little preciouses are at home too, you can practically wave goodbye to any in-hours bishop flogging because it is a known fact that the average child will want a wee, a poo, a snack, or your TV’s YouTube app sorting out because the automated playlist has leapt from Ryan Toys Review to Extreme Carp Fishing With Robson Green every 45 seconds.

Post-Nutting Productivity Takes A Dive

Ever notice that before a good old-fashioned hand shandy, you’re ready to take on the whole world. Climbing Everest, deadlifting an articulated lorry, or even successfully installing all available Windows Updates seem like a walk in the park. However, what happens after the vinegar strokes? You just can’t be arsed anymore, and this level of ‘can’t be arsed’ ranges from just wanting to stare catatonically at whatever PornHub masterpiece you were watching, right up to taking a nice snooze. Therefore, perhaps consider using it as a reward for a job well done at the end of the day, in the same manner that your boss in the office might pop out for a tray of Krispy Kreme.

Take Down All Curtains And Blinds

If your home office is at street level, why not take down all of your curtains and blinds? As a result, any attempts at self-love could well end up with you explaining your actions to the local constabulary. If you live in an apartment building or tower block, it may be worth moving onto a balcony.

Get A Squeaky Office Chair

Anyone who has ever attempted an at-desk dangerw*nk will know that one of the most off-putting elements of this is when your pneumatic office chair makes an ear-piercing squeaking noise with the slightest little movement. Therefore, any sort of wrist-to-groin action will end up making your home office sound like an episode of The Sooty Show, and as an added bonus in many males the noise can be a boner-killer that overpowers even the most delectable of ‘Mia Khalifa and an aubergine’ clips.

Remember That Baby Gravy Won’t Pay The Bills

If all else fails, remember exactly why you are at home. It doesn’t matter if you are self-employed or PAYE – sooner or later a lack of home-based productivity will have an adverse effect on your bank account. Last time I checked, British Gas cannot accept crusty tissues in lieu of your dual-fuel direct debit, so think on.