There were tragic scenes in a South Essex branch of Aldi after rioting over giant Kevin The Carrot toys ended with one customer having the enlarged popular character inserted into his rectum.
According to surgeons at Southend Hospital, the injury was complicated by the fact that the attacker hadn’t chosen to go with the pointy end first.
One witness to the shocking scenes at the supermarket’s West Hockley branch said, ‘The store opened at 8am, but there were already huge queues of people outside.’
‘When a manager announced that there were only ten of the giant Kevins in store, the scene resembled something out of a Live Aid video when the sacks of grain turn up on the back of a truck.’
‘Anyone would have thought that they were stuffing the toys with crack cocaine or something, but one particular scuffle over the last Kevin turned particularly violent.’
‘A bald, pink-faced man in his forties screamed ‘You want it so much? Here, it’s all yours!’ and he managed to get the majority of the orange character into his fellow shopper’s Cadbury Cave with the help of a nearby pot of greek yoghurt.’
‘It’s a disgrace. You’d never get such bloodshed in John Lewis with Exciteable Edgar getting shoved business-end first into someone’s orifices.’
A spokesperson for Aldi confirmed that the store manager tried to diffuse some of the angry scenes by opening a checkout as far away from the longest queue of people as possible.