An NHS spokesperson has confirmed that a workforce of OMG U OK HUN First Responders will soon work alongside more traditional ambulance service staff.
Members of the public who are ‘in bits’ or ‘raging’ on Facebook without being able to say why because there are too many snakes on there will be able to call 999 for expert assistance and if necessary a home visit.
Their spokesperson added, ‘If you are the sort of eternal fuckwit who actively achieves sexual arousal by telling the entire social media universe how you are feeling without giving a single bastard detail, this new scheme is for you.’
’In trials that were carried out in Southend On Sea, experienced medical personnel were able to reach most emergencies in under 30 minutes to administer a mixture of oxygen and attention.’
’There is also a clear clinical pathway in place, meaning that in 95% of cases patients were prescribed a lifetime quitting of Facebook that would last around ten minutes.’
’Anyone spelling ‘fuming’ with four ‘Ms’ and not a single ‘G’ can also be offered counselling.’
Michelle Garridge was referred to the new service after her friends noticed that she posted to say that she was going to bed 156 nights in a row without getting a single reaction, comment or share.
She said, ‘After I was able to access the help that I so desperately needed, I now only post pictures of my tits.’
The UK-wide rollout of the scheme will be accelerated after a 34-year-old JuicePlus rep was rolled up in a carpet and thrown off the Dartford Crossing for posting an inspirational ‘before and after’ meme that was clearly a 21-stone Nigerian lady on the left and Kelly Brook on the right.