The German Chancellor Angela Merkel has confirmed that she has no plans to invade Poland in spite of the rampant speculation online about how the nation will react to its first group stage exit from the World Cup since 1938.

Speaking in Berlin, she said, ‘There have been a great deal of comments on social media pointing out the fact that our last  exit from the group stages was swiftly followed by our nation to take over the entire European continent and beyond, and I would like to confirm that we will not be going for the ‘hat trick.’

‘It’s a terrible shame actually as the German people were dying for another match against England.’

‘There is nothing we like more than hearing 40,000 pot-bellied gammons singing about one of the darkest periods in human civilisation because they feel there is a link between that and 22 men chasing a ball of air around a grass rectangle.’

Meanwhile, football statisticians have come up with another alarming statistic.

According to OPTA, every time England have to play against a team that isn’t comprised of Sunday league-standard individuals, they get torn a new arsehole.