It has been confirmed that a sort of tennis World Cup for people who shop at Waitrose is currently happening in South West London.

After an initial investigation, it would appear that the event involves a contest for men and and contest for women, with the latter competition probably going to be won that one or the other one.

We have also observed strange behaviour by a member of the crowd who appears to sing for everyone’s enjoyment whenever rain clouds appear.

Everyone seems to think he is a bit odd for some reason, but nobody can quite put their finger on it.

A witness said, ‘People with tents gather in a field next door seven years before the main doors open just to catch a glimpse of the British number seven get annihilated by a guy from Switzerland with all the charisma of a service station chip.’

‘The TV coverage is odd as well. One of their main experts is someone who never won the tournament telling everyone about why our players can’t win the tournament.’