The chief executive of Argos in the UK Sir Henry Greenshield has issued an appeal this evening to try and stop members of the public from stealing his company’s pens from their stores across the country. According to Sir Henry, ‘millions of pens’ have been taken from stores on Wednesday after a number of posts appeared on social media about voting with a pen to avoid ballot papers being changed – at present polling stations only give out pencils. 

Sir Henry said: ‘Shortly after our stores submitted their usual paperwork at 8pm tonight, we noticed severe irregularities with our daily writing implement reconciliation report, or as it is more commonly known the WIRP. We have now learned that across the brand we have lost more than FOUR MILLION PENS in a single day – it hasn’t been that bad since the day before the last Gulf War. What people need to realise is that Argos pens don’t just come out of thin air like our latest 4352-page catalogue, and we may be forced to revise stock prices and cancel promotions to try and balance the books for this quarter.’

Det Ins Reginald Stylo of the South Essex Stationery Theft Taskforce said: ‘We understand why a high-number of centre-right and far-right nutjobs are concerned that their vote in pencil will be altered when the polls open, but that doesn’t excuse the act of stealing a pen or twenty because they object to paying 12p for a knock-off biro in Wilko’s. If you are thinking about stealing a pen from Argos for the referendum, please consider voting by smearing the grease from a Pepperami all over your forehead and then headbutting the box marked ‘Leave’ on the voting forms – members of St John’s Ambulance will be standing by at polling stations to treat any cases of concussion and severe blood loss.’